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Writer's pictureKatie Kroening, LCSW;CADC

No, You're Not Crazy! Set Free from Emotional Abuse

Updated: Oct 28


By Katie Kroening, LCSW; CADC

 

 

I’ve worked with many clients who’ve come to counseling wondering if they’re crazy; clients have difficulty trusting in their own experience, express confusion around understanding the chaotic cycle in which they find themselves. Many clients aren’t aware that they are being mistreated, disrespected, stonewalled and controlled. Themes found in many stories are identified throughout their early childhood experiences; many of these emotionally abused clients have been raised by parents or a parent or caregiver(s) with narcissistic traits, mental illness that is not identified, nor treated. There are often long generational histories and patterns of power, control dynamics and abusive patterns and behaviors. These clients were raised thinking these negative ways of treating loved ones or of being treated that way, are acceptable, normal and  not harmful.

 

Having been conditioned to experience, tolerate and witness any form of abuse from a young age, individuals become numb, and blind to the fact that the abuse is hurting them and can cause harm to themselves and others. When these individuals begin the dating process, many people fail to see the warning signs in their new partner and of possible trouble ahead. We learn to play different roles from a young age, and we create defenses (also called action tendencies) to help survive the abuse; sometimes victims of abuse become abusers themselves as a protection against being controlled or vulnerable; other times the individual becomes codependent, and tries to care for the abuser, keeping the abuser calm, satisfied and content; they often do what the abuser says, trying to appease them to keep things calm. These individuals may sense something’s just not right early on; they may feel badly about themselves and their situation, confused and unsure of themselves.

 

Chronic abuse of any kind can cause significant damage to physical health, negatively affect brain function such as ability to concentrate, recall events, it can cause memory lapses and memory problems, sleep disturbances, spiritual issues, low self-worth, lack of accomplishments; occupational issues; it negatively affects mental health and can cause depression, anxiety, and forms of PTSD: flash backs of moments that were traumatic, memory loss of things going on during the time of life of abusive events, nightmares, images, feelings that are disturbing to the body, mind and spirit. Bessel Vander Kolk, a brilliant psychiatrist, researcher and author has spent most of his life studying the negative effects of abuse on children and adults. His Book, “The Body Keeps the Score” helps us understand the enormous impact trauma experiences have on our bodies (body/mind connection). We can re-experience feelings in our body as if the trauma is recurring, even after the initial event: we experience this sometimes if there is a cue such as a smell, visual image, place or thing that reminds us of the time of the emotionally upsetting memory. Cortisol and adrenaline are released from our neurons as active chemicals that cause us to be flooded, to fight or flight, fawn or freeze behaviors. This feeling in our bodies can sometimes last for days.

 

ATTENTION MEN: I want to mention, men are abused, both physically and emtionally, too; It’s not just women. You may be surprised to hear this. In my 15 plus years of counseling clients, I have been surprised by the number of men both physically and emotionally abused by their female partners. Men, you’re not alone. I see you and know what you’re experiencing. Please see a counselor to get the help and support you need to be set free. Take courage, things can be better for you.

 

Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse:

o   Control issues: you don’t have the freedom to see a friend, family member the way you’d like, you don’t have the freedom to do things you’d like to do without your spouse’s involvement, you don’t have the freedom to speak your opinion if it’s different than your partner’s opinion.

o  Your partner is always suspicious of your motives and of your plans.

You don’t feel emotionally safe; you’re often walking on eggshells to ensure you don’t upset your partner.

o   You often get yelled at, and your partner focuses on you as the reason your partner escalated; it’s something you did to make partner escalate; it’s your fault. Once again you push back your thoughts and feelings and keep them to yourself due to knowing further escalations will continue.

o   Your nerves are shot; you’re having undo anxiety, but not sure why; you notice you’re unhappy but can’t quite sort out the cause.

o   You’re at times made fun of; if you say something, it’s turned around on you that you can’t take a joke, that “you’re too sensitive” (sarcasm).

o   You’re commanded and expected to do things, whatever your partner asks; if you confront partner, Gaslighting is used: somehow, it’s turned around on you and you’re once again to blame for your intolerance, maybe you’re told you’re lazy for not being willing to help.

o   Your partner may have ups and downs you can’t explain; one week it may be safe, things go well, you feel encouraged, however, the next week, things are escalating almost daily.

o   Instead of speaking well about you to others, your partner makes sarcastic jokes about how they tolerate you, etc.

  • Domestic Violence Cycle: the build up, the explosion, the honeymoon phase cycle.

o   When you share your opinion or your hurt, your partner verbally attacks you and gets angry, they are pushy and begin verbally attacking every word you say.

  • There's only one view that is right, the abuser's view; there is no room for thoughts that are not aligned with the abuser.

 

The Toll of Abuse:

o   Stunted development of the self: unsure of what you like to do, lack of career growth, dreams, and friendships.

o   Memory loss

o   Codependency

o   Become the abuser: talk down to others, control others, belittle, sarcasm meant to tear down integrity of others or to be “over” them in some way.

o   Early onset dementia

o   Anxiety, depression, PTSD

o   Loneliness

o   Physical pain and illness in the body

o   Insomnia

o   Hypervigilance

o   Internal restlessness in the body

o   Complex PTSD: caused after many years of ongoing trauma experiences

o   Isolation

o   Lack of motivation

o   Lack of hope

o   Discouragement

o   Negative self-talk

o   Low confidence

o   Indecisive behaviors

  • Inattentiveness; difficulty concentrating

o   OCD tendencies to offset the stress and to vie for control

o   Eating disorders: attempts to control something, such as over-eating, restrictive eating, binge/purge cycles

 

The Solution:

o   Get help: see a trained therapist who can help you; we all need help to get out of the negative cycles and behaviors in which we find ourselves.

o   Spiritual Healing: join faith communities that are supportive of you, seek your higher power to help you understand how to truly be loved in a way that is safe, caring, considerate and sacrificial.

o   Confront the abuser, do not fear their reactions, develop a plan in the case you need safe haven while going through this process. What you allow will continue.

o   Seek psychoeducation about what abuse actually is; once you’ve realized you’ve been abused, learn healthy ways of caring for yourself; a trained counselor can help you in this process.

o   Freedom, equality, independence to explore your uniqueness, build up rather than tear down

o   Do things that bring you joy, peace, happiness and health: physical fitness, nutrition, medical appts, therapy, hobbies, friendships, family, etc…create a strong network for yourself with whom you can share safely your story, so they can support you through all you’ll be facing.

o   Trust yourself; trust that you are not being respected the way you deserve; you have a right to your thoughts, even if they differ from everyone else, you have a right to your feelings. No one should mistreat you because of that.

o   You have a right to always be safe in your home and with loved ones.

o   If you feel unsafe, act; what we don’t face will continue.

 

 

We offer the Following Types of Trauma Therapy at CFCL:

·      EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) therapy is research based and highly effective to help neutralize the body mind and spirit’s effects from the trauma experience. 

o   Our own Susan Proebsting, LPC, EMDR specialist offers EMDR trauma therapy. She has a passion for this population. Here’s her bio, consider making an appointment with her and start your process of healing: https://www.centerforcourage.com/team-1/sue-proebsting%2C-lpc

o   Jasmine Soto has experience offering EMDR, here’s her bio: https://www.centerforcourage.com/team-1/jasmine-soto%2C-lsw

·      IFS (Internal Family Systems-parts work):  Talk therapy with a trained IFS trauma informed therapist will help clients work on the many parts of themselves that have experienced harm, help give those parts a voice, and guide the client in how to better care for those parts of themselves to eventually become whole, healed and display new hope, self-worth and healthy boundaries when abuse is present.

o   Katie Kroening, LCSW; CADC offers trauma therapy for emotionally abused clients in recovery: https://www.centerforcourage.com/team-1/katie-kroening%2C-lcsw%3B-cadc

o   Jannette Simmons, ALMFT, offers trauma recovery therapy: https://www.centerforcourage.com/team-1/jannette-simmons%2C-ma%3B-almft

·      Somatic Experiencing Therapy: this type of therapy helps people notice and work through the physical responses to traumatic events, rather than just focusing on thoughts or emotions.

o   Kelly Allen offers somatic experiencing therapy for trauma recovery: https://www.centerforcourage.com/team-1/kelly-allen%2C-lsw

·      Faith-Based Therapy: Incorporate your faith in a higher power that cares for you; if your view of God has been harmed by abuse, or if God is your source of strength, a trained Christian counselor can help you work through hurt, incorporate faith-based healing principles into your healing journey. Faith can provide the courage for us to face our battles of harm, to be set free from the situations we are in to move to a safe and healed place.

o   Most of our therapist’s offer faith-based therapy when a client expressly asks for this specialization. Speak to our intake coordinator about being set up with a great fit counselor.

·      Talk Therapy: All our therapists are trauma informed, and we all offer talk therapy, to go at the pace in which the client feels safe sharing their stories of harm. We join the client in a humble, kind and caring way that is clinically excellent, safe and effective.

 

There’s hope: you can do this! This is the beginning of your healing journey, of learning how to care for you in a loving, kind, understanding, caring and nurturing way.

Do not delay, call today, (815) 707-4806 or email our intake coordinator, Jenny at: jenny@centerforcourage.com. We can help. You are not alone, and we care about you.

 

Additional References and Recommended Resources:

 

·      Author Leslie Vernick:

o   The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope

o   The Emotionally Destructive Relationship

·      Author Natalie Hoffman:

o   Is it Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage

·      Author: David Hawkins:

o   When Loving Him is Hurting You; Hope for women dealing with narcissism and emotional abuse

·      Author: Lysa Terkeurst:

o   Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

·      Author: Henry Cloud:

o   Necessary Endings

·      Author Bessel Vander Kolk:

o   The Body Keeps the Score

·      Linda Hill

o   Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

·      Cloud and Townsend: Boundaries Books

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